You are probably reading this article because you recognized a need for a certain person or a desired circumstance in your life.
If so, I can reassure you directly: You are not alone.
Much more people are affected by need than you might think right now.
Need can run through all areas of life and always has negative effects on our happiness and emotional well-being.
How does need arise and how can one get rid of need? I answer these questions in this article.
And the solution is probably different from what you think right now …
“If you are not satisfied with what you have, you would not be satisfied with what you want.”
In this article you will learn, among other things:
- What neediness is exactly.
- How need arises.
- How you can recognize neediness.
- How neediness affects your life.
- What you can do to move from lack into abundance.
- That there is a difference between needs and need.
What is neediness?
Need can be defined as having an unfulfilled desire for a specific external circumstance. The problem with this is that the person concerned makes his or her well-being dependent on the achievement of this circumstance.
Need can occur in any area of life:
- In interpersonal relationships (” I absolutely need a partner or the love of this one special person …”)
- At work / sales (” I absolutely need the degree / money …”)
- With our goals in general (” I absolutely have to achieve my goals …”)
- When learning a special skill (” I finally have to get better at playing tennis …”)
- And you can even develop a need for consumer goods (” I absolutely need this jacket / a Porsche … “)
First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to reach a goal, because the desire also drives us to strive for growth.
And growth is in the nature of life.
It only becomes problematic if we make our happiness and well-being dependent on the achievement of this desired result.
Of course there are different levels of need. The stronger the need, the more we put our wellbeing in the hands of the desired condition.
By doing this, we create the illusion that our lives would be better if X.
For “X” you can use whatever is your target state.
So you are needy when you think you absolutely need something.
And so we are right in the middle of the topic.
Accordingly, I would like to briefly discuss how the human mind works and what role thought plays in it:
It is the thought that creates your reality
Most people assume that external circumstances are responsible for their inner feelings:
- The (missing) partner is responsible for ensuring that they are not happy.
- Your bank balance is to blame for making you feel poor.
- It’s their job that makes them feel unfulfilled.
In reality, however, it’s the other way around: your reality is created from the inside out.
And the “tool” with which you create your reality is the thought.
Probably nobody taught you in your childhood how to deal with the “tool” idea correctly – that was also the case with me.
Therefore, here is a brief introduction:
A situation or a fact is always neutral.
Only through your thoughts do you evaluate a situation or a fact:
- Right or wrong
- Good or bad
- Pretty or ugly
Since we have about 60,000 thoughts a day, we are often not even aware of our thought processes.
For this reason, we usually evaluate situations so quickly that we don’t notice.
In addition, the feeling always follows the thought.
If you rate the fact that you are single right now and want a partner as “bad”, for example, you will feel accordingly.
“The thought creates the world and then says: ‘It wasn’t me’.”
(American quantum physicist)
Your consciousness has the fantastic quality of making every thought you think appear real to you.
This is how you create your own reality at any point in your life .
Let’s get back to need at this point:
What do you think what happens when you think that you are incomplete and that you urgently need X to be whole?
You have grasped it: Your consciousness makes this train of thought appear to you as real and you will have exactly this experience that you feel incomplete as long as you do not have X!
Before we continue with the article, a little note:
The thought creates our reality at every point in our life – whether you are aware of it or not.
So when you (unconsciously) think that you need something, then you hope that your desired goal state gives you something.
But what exactly are you looking for?
What do you hope for from your desired target state?
Before reading any further, please ask yourself the following question:
“What do I hope for from X?” (X = your desired external circumstance)
Ideally, take some time to answer this question. I also recommend that you do this exercise in writing.
Did you do the exercise
Your answers to the question will likely have gone in this direction:
You may now notice that these are feelings.
No matter who or what you are needy towards, you are primarily looking for special feelings. And you have the hope that your desired target state will (permanently) trigger these feelings in you.
So you think you need the desired goal state in order to be able to feel accordingly.
However, with such a train of thought comes the assumption that you cannot feel accordingly until the desired target state is reached.
Let’s take a closer look at what exactly this train of thought does in a moment.
Before doing this, it is important to understand that a feeling is always IN you and never outside of you. And as already described above, you generate your feelings through your thoughts .
Since you never experience external circumstances directly, but always only your thoughts about them, you never experience:
- your partner or the non-existent partner,
- your account balance,
- your job or
- a certain item (e.g. a Porsche).
You always find out your thoughts about the external circumstances – with the corresponding feelings!
Of course it is very easy to project love into another person or security into money, for example.
But no matter how much money you accumulate in your account, you can never buy the feeling of security or freedom you want with it.
Because the feeling of security or freedom is in you and can only exist in the present moment.
Your desired target state cannot give you what you hope for!
How many times have you set goals for yourself, hoping to finally be happy after you’ve achieved your goals?
Did you achieve your goals?
If so, were you happy, satisfied, finally good enough afterwards and never had problems again?
If you are like me and many other people to whom I have asked this question so far, not much will have changed in your life or your feeling of happiness after reaching your goals.
So it was a big goal of mine to earn five figures a month.
I chased this goal for years because I thought that I would be so much happier (and probably better and more valuable) when I achieved this goal.
In 2019 the time had come and I earned more than € 10,000 a month for the first time.
Do you want to know what has changed for me as a result?
I wasn’t much happier and my existential fears were still present.
On the contrary: I was so disappointed that I slipped into a crisis after achieving this goal .
We often think that once we achieve our goals, we will be so much happier.
In this way we project our happiness and well-being that is always there from the present moment into a desired target state, in order to then chase after this target state.
Ironic, isn’t it?
But your desired target state cannot give you what you hope for from it!
Because you cannot become what you already are:
You are what you are looking for!
At this point I would like to mention that I, too, keep falling for the mental illusion that my life will be so much better, for example, as soon as X is fulfilled.
But gradually I understand more and more that, for example, neither women nor money can give me what I hope for.
That brings us back to the question of what we hope for from our desired goal state:
We look for love, security, fulfillment, to be accepted or freedom in the hope that an external circumstance can give us this.
Furthermore, we hope that our target state will make us complete or good enough.
We think that having the new iPhone, jacket or X Euro in our bank account makes us a better person.
For years I also thought that I was not good enough, tried to increase my self-esteem and ran after my goals in the hope of finally getting good enough.
But no matter what I did and how successful I became , it was never enough.
One day in May 2019, I suddenly got an insight that would change my life forever:
I was, am and will be good enough and complete at any point in my life and can create the illusion through my thoughts that I am not.
“We are love, peace and wisdom and have the power to create the illusion that we are not.”
(American author and trainer)
In that brief moment I internalized the power of thought as the creator of our reality and I realized that I am what I am looking for.
You and every other person are also what they are looking for – even if you may not be aware of it yet.
All you really need was, is and always will be with you!
The belief that once we reach X we are happy, complete, good enough, or whatever, is ingrained in our society.
Even if no one has ever told you, we get a constant demonstration that more always seems better.
The problem with this is that this more is not a point that you can reach because there is always more.
Through this more , we hope, among other things, a M ore to happiness, fulfillment and joy.
But happiness, fulfillment and joie de vivre can only exist in this moment – the only moment that is real.
However, thanks to your free will, you have the opportunity to think that it would be better otherwise.
Through such a – often unconscious – train of thought you go into resistance to what is. This cuts you off from the feelings you are actually looking for.
Because these feelings are always there. Not in external circumstances, but in you.
You can create these feelings at any time.
It is your decision whether you will lovingly accept the present moment as it is. With the knowledge that you are complete at all times and have everything you need.
You can’t buy the things that really matter.
They are with you at all times.
So you don’t need your desired goal state, you just think you need it.
Unfortunately, we are often only so caught up in our destructive thought patterns that we have cut ourselves off from these feelings and seek these feelings in external circumstances instead.
In my experience, the (potential) partner and money are most people’s favorite projection screens.
We think our life will be so much better once we are with a certain person or have amassed a certain amount of money.
Because it seems so real and everyone does it that way, we then chase after the external circumstances.
The ironic thing is, the more you think you need something and the more desperately you look for it in external circumstances, the less likely it is that you will ultimately achieve your goal:
Need creates an inner lack
Various laws seem to underlie life.
One of these laws is: as inside, so outside.
When you think you need something, you create an inner lack.
And the more you think you need something, the greater this lack becomes.
The outside only reflects this inner deficiency back to you.
This means that if you have a strong need for a desired goal state, you will not achieve this desired goal state – no matter how hard you try.
Of course I would like to give you a solution for this, but you will probably not like the solution:
Let go of your goal or your desired goal state and stop chasing after him tense.
“Learn to let go, that is the key to happiness”
I can just hear you groan, but remember: Even if it seems like it, your desired goal state will not give you what you hope for.
The only one who can give you this is yourself.
In itself, there is nothing wrong with having goals.
The question, however, is WHY you want to achieve these goals.
Does this desire come from abundance or from lack?
Out of joy or out of pain?
Out of fear or out of love ?
When you have the certainty that you are already complete and that everything you really need will always be with you, then you are in abundance.
The law “As inside, so outside” also works the other way around:
An abundance within will lead to an abundance outside.
Often times, when your happiness does not depend on achieving your goals, achieving those goals becomes very easy if you are willing to invest the necessary time and attention in your goals.
The more you wake up from need and realize that it is not real (even if it seems so), the more life will give you.
Remember, shortage comes where there is shortage and abundance goes where there is abundance.
“All of this is all well and good, but I also have needs …” is perhaps a train of thought from you.
For this reason, I would like to go into the difference between needs and neediness in this article:
There is a difference between needs and need
Every living being has needs.
The basic needs of a person include:
And yes, most of these needs can be met with money. Money is the ideal “tool” to meet these needs.
However, it does not cost a lot of money to satisfy needs, because these are usually met very easily:
- You don’t need Gucci clothes, used clothes from the flea market do too.
- You don’t need a gold steak, a sandwich (gluten-free) will do too.
- You don’t need a 200sqm new penthouse apartment. If you are alone, a 1-room apartment will do the trick.
The pursuit of more is often only due to the illusion that it would be better otherwise than what it is.
This makes us think we need something specific. Then we chase after it and this is how neediness arises.
Needs are usually very easy and inexpensive to meet.
Need, on the other hand, can be compared to a hole in us that we tense up trying to fill.
For one thing, this hole can never be filled by external circumstances.
We can only fill this hole ourselves.
On the other hand, this hole doesn’t even exist. We create this hole with the help of our thoughts:
- “ I’m not good enough. “
- “ Something is wrong with me. “
- “ I am not complete. “
Then we have further thoughts on how we can fill this hole now:
- “ What can I do to get good enough? “
- “ If I earn € 10,000 a month, I’m good enough! “
- “ I need a partner to feel complete! “
If you find this funny now, you are on the right path to internalizing the power of thoughts .
Because everything arises from thoughts, as you have learned in this article, including need.
(at this point I refer again to my free e-book)
At the end of the article, a short summary:
Conclusion – let go of need and overcome it
Need is an unfulfilled desire for a specific external circumstance.
We think our lives will be so much better when that particular external circumstance becomes a reality. That is why we are chasing after this goal.
Need arises when you think you need this goal.
The ironic thing is that even if you achieve your goal, it won’t …
- more complete,
- better or
- will make you great happier.
Because you are all of this already and through your thoughts you can maintain the illusion that you are not and that you are missing something.
You are looking for a special feeling in your desired target state, but feelings are always IN us and have nothing to do with external circumstances.
By accepting every moment for what it is and learning to love it again, you reconnect with these feelings.
Need creates an inner lack. And the greater this deficiency – the more you think you need a certain thing – the more difficult it will be to achieve your desired goal state.
This is because the outside is always just a mirror of the inside. An internal deficiency leads to an external deficiency.
The inner lack is not real by the way, you just think that this lack exists.
By letting go of your goal and being aware that everything you really need will always be with you, you come into abundance.
And an inner abundance will be followed by an outer abundance, provided you take the necessary steps for it .
If you felt good reading this article then you are on the right track.
I recommend that you read the article a second and third time to better internalize it.
This article is based on the 3 principles .
What did you take away for yourself from this article? Please write me a comment.